Archive | December, 2010

Disney, you fucked us up.

30 Dec

If, every morning, my every need were attended to by wild birds and a pack of domesticated rodents I’d definitely be considering a relocation. If not that, then at least my health and mental well-being. The likelihood of a small flock of birds drawing a bath for me is slim to none, and I definitely wouldn’t want to these days with cross-species Avian Flu transmissions surely imminent. But evidently this wasn’t a concern for Cinderella in her fairytale kingdom, circa 1950.

Good ol’ Walt Disney sure knew how weave a false dream for thousands of kids around the world. And somewhere within the messed-up mental machinations of these youth, this fantasy was somehow internalized, only to return in years to come as fetishes not so benign. Or so Freud’s idea of the uncanny goes. If those friendly forest creatures aren’t prepared to pamper you when you get up and strip down every morning, then why not put them to some better use? Continue reading


Lady Negroni

27 Dec

Drunkeness AHOY


1 Shot Each Gin, Red Vermouth and Campari under ice. Pour into whisky glass and add fist of Ice. Top with Dry Ginger Beer, then twist 1 orange quarter into drink. Add crushed mint and crystallised ginger. Repeat x3, then slip into alcohol coma.

27 Dec

markus-weldon imagebank

How to Ruin Christmas

25 Dec

I’ve just ruined Christmas 2010. No. I “feel” like I’ve ruined Christmas. That distinction needs to be made clear because it’d pretty hard for one single action to ruin the seasonal grease that lubricates the cogs of capitalism and all the good cheer, tinsel and schmultzy holiday muzak that it brings.

But my failed attempt at baking gingerbread men today felt as though it had universal ramifications. Welcome to the life of a perfectionist. I had success the other night, baking 100 gingerbread men, reindeers, trees, and stars and buttering them up with enough icing to send even Lance Armstrong into cardiac arrest. But why the fuck did it not work today? Continue reading

Sydney Welcomes Oprah

13 Dec

After what’s cost taxpayers an estimated $3 million, initially set aside to be wasted invested in the NSW government’s phantom metro system, she’s finally hit our shores. Yes, that’s right, it’s Oprah-mania here in Sydney. With an entourage of 300 guests, security, staff and requisite stalkers (kept at bay with a few kilometres of electric wire fencing), America’s talk-show queen not only brings rare good publicity to Sydney’s starving shores, a freak outbreak of spontaneous emotional outpourings on Sydney streets has been reported, up some 78 per cent from the December average. Emotional binge eating is also on a rise.  Continue reading

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