How to Ruin Christmas

25 Dec

I’ve just ruined Christmas 2010. No. I “feel” like I’ve ruined Christmas. That distinction needs to be made clear because it’d pretty hard for one single action to ruin the seasonal grease that lubricates the cogs of capitalism and all the good cheer, tinsel and schmultzy holiday muzak that it brings.

But my failed attempt at baking gingerbread men today felt as though it had universal ramifications. Welcome to the life of a perfectionist. I had success the other night, baking 100 gingerbread men, reindeers, trees, and stars and buttering them up with enough icing to send even Lance Armstrong into cardiac arrest. But why the fuck did it not work today?
Admittedly, I was feeling guilty about the amount of butter and golden syrup I’d used in the last batch and saw a “healthier” way out with apple sauce, with results far from satisfactory. A big fuck you to Catherine and her vegan recipe that got me into this existential mess.
But what would it truly take to ruin Christmas? Here’s an offering of my top ten.

10. Being old
This is one day of the year your family comes to visit you. Not that you’d remember anyway. This year though, your grandchild don’t even look related to you at all, but that doesn’t matter because warm pumpkin mash is on the menu.
9. Food disorders
Your severe allergy to wheat products plays up when your adorable nephew presents you with a necklace of half-chewed pasta bits, leaving his parents with the awkward job of explaining how he almost killed you by bringing on anaphylactic shock.
8. The black sheep
Someone has yet again persuaded the parents to allow the cynical bastard a place at the table where he vents his frustration, yet again something about not being appreciated enough as a social commentator, on a young one who’s just finished a year of counselling with a shrink after last year’s turkey incident. 
7. Oil spills
International outrage and condemnations from environmental groups flow in thick and fast before you can even say Chris Cringle when people find out that more oil’s been spilt to cook this year’s turkey than BP did in the Gulf of Mexico. Trust Paula Deen, her Aunt Peggy with the Alzheimer’s and their southern American sensibilities to bring in the seasonal cheer with an arterial blockage.
6. iPhones and autocorrect
Nothing gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling around Christmas than a nice anus infection.
5. Jesus
First he ruined sex before marriage, now he’s tackling social media networks.
4. Sandra Lee
Your life is already ruined if she’s in the family. Infamous for her “Kwanzaa” cake, garrulous Aunty Sandy comes over and decides to turn grandma’s antique chair into one of her tablescapes. And when you decide that the only way to rescue this Christmas is with a good stiff drink, you find that she’s beat you to it and downed the lot with her very skewed interpretation of a shot (N.B. she’s a bit more on the mark in this video…but check this).
3. Mum’s tool box
The chances are slim, but with the stars aligned just so your mum’s new 12″ vibrator mistakenly comes out for the holiday festivities. Maybe you can buy a more Christmasy attachment next year. Yep, she’d love that.
2. The private Christmas card
You thought it’d be nice and you’d personalise this year’s holiday card with a very special greeting, but it gets hijacked by a underage shag jilted lover whose socialist beliefs compelled her to share the Christmas cheer with everyone. The bitch even shrunk your bits in Photoshop. 
1. Ellen Sirot
Enough said. She ruins everything.
Season’s Greetings to you all.

One Response to “How to Ruin Christmas”

  1. strangetributes January 4, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

    love your blog!

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